"Surely every car is a people carrier?" "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." "I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." "If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" "Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" "Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" "Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"
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Best of the jokes from this years Edinburgh Festival